Warning: This post talks about depression and suicide which may cause distress to some readers.
This is my first post on mental health and I wanted to touch on the subject on depression. It’s a controversial subject as there’s a stigma around mental health and I hope we can change that one day. I was very nervous publishing this post and I feel so exposed opening up about the darkest points in my life but I want to inspire and help others.
As someone with depression I can sometimes find myself lacking motivation and just wanting to curl up in bed all day. If any of you are in a similar situation you will know the feeling. I do feel worthless and like I should be doing something constructive but the truth is, it’s ok to not do anything for a day. The fact I’m here, I’m still breathing and haven’t gave into the voices into my head telling me to give up and life is not worth living anymore, is amazing in itself.
Over the years of suffering there have been several times when I felt like I couldn’t go on any longer and came close to ending my life. I was in such a dark, empty place and didn’t see another way. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there was just a black wall stopping me from living my life. My mindset was distorted and the depression had taken over every aspect of my life. I couldn’t think clearly and every waking moment all I wanted is to not be here anymore.
You see, that’s how depression works, it introduces itself to you slowly. You won’t even realise at first. One cancelled plan to go out with your friends because you “don’t feel like it” becomes a constant state of staying in alone. The more time you spend alone, the more you crave your own company. You’ll have a knot in your stomach of feeling so lonely but you won’t want to face others. Socialising becomes a thing of the past, any hobbies and interests are now distant memories. You are no longer living, but barely surviving. Your mind is either blank or racing with thoughts. Everyday feels the same and your body is on auto pilot. Nothing feels good anymore, you just feel numb both on the inside and the outside. People around you will noticed you’ve changed. You’re quieter, your expression is blank, the clothes your wearing are either too tight or baggy now from overeating or lack of. All you want is something to fill the void of this dark empty feeling.
Having days where you don’t feel like doing much, you just want to be in your pyjamas watching tv in bed all day, is ok. Taking time to relax and be by yourself can be beneficial. It eases the pressure of socialising, going out in public and feeling like you have to conform to society’s standards. We all need a time out to recharge our batteries, whether we suffer with a mental health problem or not. Aswell as the physical benefits, it can make a huge difference emotionally.
Just remember if you have or still do feel like life is not worth carrying on, the fact your still here is something to be proud of. If you need a day to yourself doing nothing then you shouldn’t be ashamed, you’re courageous for battling them demons and it’s tiring work.
I hope I’ve made you feel a little better about having a nonproductive day and let me know if you would like any more mental health posts and what topics you would like me to discuss. XOXO
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